The Pride
by anuveon
Summary: It's Squalo's birthday, but no one else in the Varia seems to realise it. Will his pride allow him to rant to everyone else, or will someone realise his plight? Crackfic, for Squalo's birthday. Rated T for language.


**Author's Notes: **Written for Squalo's birthday! Enjoy :)

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In the Varia, birthdays were rarely celebrated.

In fact, birthdays were almost never spoken of, almost as if they were taboo. The last time Vongola's top assassination squad had held anything remotely resembling a birthday party had been for Lussuria's eightee– well, it was better not to get into that. Not to mention how peeved _Xanxus_ had been after that.

The current day, however, had quite some significance. March the thirteenth, a _birthday_. That dreaded word, a word which could indeed send wineglasses flying and umbrellas a-lighting.

Superbi Squalo was a prideful being, and he knew it himself. Even from before he had been recruited into the Varia, he had had his pride. It was only due to Xanxus's superior fury that he had become the second in command, anyway – not to say that Squalo was a sore loser at all.

Most of the time, this didn't affect his judgement. However, on this particular day...

"Squ-chan, you're up late today~!" Lussuria's not-quite-so intimidating, _manly_ voice just had to be the first thing he heard. Squalo ignored him, continuing on his way down to the kitchen, oblivious to the fact that the other man was still following him.

Pride had many aspects. Pride worked in many different ways. And pride...well, pride was Squalo.

For the past few years, ever since he had gotten to know his 'co-workers', not once had anyone mentioned anything about Squalo's birthday. In fact, if Lussuria's own one hadn't been 'celebrated' a few years back, then Squalo would have thought that he was the only one in Varia to even _know_ about birthdays at all!

Birthdays had never been much of a big deal for Squalo. Sure, back at mafia school, students' birthdays had been celebrated with a big hat and a cake, but Squalo had never realised just how much they meant to him.

The Varia were such a bore to be around. (In actuality, part of the reason why Squalo screamed so much was to 'spruce' up the place in his own way, unlike Lussuria. Additionally, that _might_ have also been the reason why Xanxus was so twitchy when the shark was around...)

"Squ-chan? Oh dear, Squ-chan's looking all annoyed again, and it's not even midday!" Lussuria clapped his white gloved hands together.

"VOOOI!" couldn't Lussuria just understand for one moment what Squalo was trying to do?

That is, Squalo was trying to prove a point. In his own mind.

Varia's second in command had, for the past few years, not had a single birthday celebrated. And being a graduate of mafia school – which he had heard Xanxus muttering about once with the general word 'trash' adorning it – Squalo was sore about it. In fact, his birthday had been ignored so much that he didn't even know if his colleagues even _knew_ about it!

However, Superbi Squalo was a prideful being, and he knew it himself. And no, he didn't want to be known as the 'wussy shark who complained about not getting a birthday party'. _That_ simply did not follow his code of...well, his general common sense.

"Squalo~! Are you there?" Lussuria was now waving a hand in front of Squalo.

Breaking out of his train of self pity, Squalo ignored the Varia's Sun Guardian in favour of staring at the scene in front of him.

"V-voi..." the shark spluttered incredulously at the sight before him. Platters of jelly, cake and other assortments of foodstuffs were positively _stacked_ on the kitchen table, which must have been groaning under all of the weight. Squalo suppressed the hopeful, soaring feeling that came from seeing all of the food.

"VOOOOOOOI! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?" the swordsman suddenly erupted. Several windows suddenly blew open, and Lussuria's mohawk fluttered violently in the unexpected breeze. This was blasphemy!

"All this junk and not even a single plate of meat for the boss?!"

Well, if _that_ had to be the foremost thought in Squalo's mind...

"Ushishishi. It all belongs to the prince," a new voice announced. Squalo barely had time to wonder where Bel had come from before two white-booted feet planted themselves on the ground before him, effectively blocking his view of the food that lay beyond.

"You have to pay to touch it," added Mammon, hovering beside the prince.

"I'm hungry, damn it!" Squalo replied back with a snarl, his sword hand twitching. "What if the fuckin' boss sees this?"

"Shishishi," Bel snickered. "He went out shopping with Levi!"

"P-praise me, boss...praise me..." a wearied, worse-for-wear looking Levi trotted down the hallway beyond the kitchen, mumbling to himself.

"Well, there goes _that_ theory," Squalo muttered to himself.

"Oi, Squalo," Bel said, poking the shark's left hand. It wasn't the most ingenious of ideas, since Squalo didn't exactly have any feeling in a mechanical hand, but at least is succeeded in regaining his attention. "Want to know why there's so much stuff here?"

Squalo blinked. "No," he replied blandly, expecting something along the lines of 'because I'm a prince' anyway. Bel grinned, letting a small giggle escape. Squalo's eyes fluttered closed, before reopening a split second later, vein throbbing. "VOOOOOOI! Let me eat some fucking food already!"

He tried to move forwards, getting past Bel, but the prince stepped to the side, and in a flash he shoved something into the swordsman's face.

Squalo stumbled backwards, feeling the disgusting feeling of cold cake trailing down his face. "S-Squalo! The cake is in your hair!" Lussuria attempted to intervene, but Squalo ignored the perverted man, instead turning a thunderous expression towards Bel.

"VOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOI! YOU FUCKING TRASH! YOU GOT FUCKING CAKE ON MY SWORD!"

Silence reigned in the room for a moment, no one making a move. However, this meant that Bel was still blocking the way to the table, and hence _the food._ And Squalo was by far too prideful to ask nicely – or pay.

He was about to open his mouth again when the loud noise of someone coming down the stairs sounded. Everyone turned around semi-fearfully, knowing who exactly was coming down.

"Fucking scum," Xanxus growled, pocketing his X-Guns. There was a smoking hole in the wall, and there was a quiet mutter about the money needed for repairs from Mammon. Squalo was still waiting for that moment where he would wake up and it would all be a dream, because dealing with an angry Xanxus on his birthday was just something _not_ on his agenda for the day.

"Boss?"

The rest of the Varia crew were saved from instant incineration when Levi, complete with his umbrella set on his back, spoke from behind Xanxus. The boss turned around, looking none too pleased. Levi took this as grounds to continue speaking.

"Boss, I was investigating the matter of my missing goods," he informed Xanxus. "I went out early today to buy a selection of sweet foods, but they all seem to have disappeared..."

"I'm sorry, boss! I even checked in the pantry, but it wasn't there either!"

"Ara," Bel laughed, "Looks like Levi went shopping after all."

If looked at closely, a steady stream of steam could be seen coming out from Squalo's ears. Birthday party? That was a dream! It was turning out more along the lines of _birthday nightmare_.

Meanwhile, Xanxus was peering past Squalo and Bel, a rather intimidating look (what with those red eyes) to those who did not know him well. "What," he pointed, "is that?"

"That's cake," Mammon said drolly, "and you have to pay for it."

Levi's eyes bugged out. "Hey! That's the stuff I bought!" he cried out, but no one payed any heed to him, except for Squalo.

"VOOOOOI! What the fuck were you buying cake for, damn it?!" he yelled. Lussuria calmly placed a hand on his arm, whispering vague remonstrations about stressing too much.

The prince snickered again. "Isn't it obvious who the cake's for?" he asked, cocking a daring eyebrow. "It's for me, stupid shark~" Lussuria's eyes widened comically, and the hand that had been on Squalo's arm lifted away (much to his relief) and instead placed itself on his mouth in horror.

"But Bel-chan!" the Varia's pseudo-mother called out. "Aren't you worried about all of the excess fat going to your thighs?"

Squalo choked, half turning in order to stare at Lussuria. "Wha-" he managed to get out, before the Sun Guardian continued.

"And there's no cake for you either, Squ," he said mock sternly, lifting a finger. "Imagine eating all that cake and having it turn all your hair greasy and making you grow pimples!"

Oblivious to everyone's bemused stares, Lussuria walked over to the table, easily pushing past Bel. "Now, the only answer here is to get rid of the food!"

With a hearty tug of the tablecloth, all of the food came tumbling to the ground with a giant crash – of glassware, cutlery and various plates – and a giant splat – the rest of the food squishing into the floor in an unrecognisable mess. Levi dropped to his knees, tears gathering at the corners of his eyes.

At just that precise time, Squalo's stomach began to rumble dangerously. He cursed at his pride and his inability to find food. Next birthday, he would have to hire an accomplished cook, never mind Mammon and his whining about costs. _Squalo would have his stomach filled, damn it!_

After the moment of silence, a huge cacophony of noises began to spill out, despite only a handful of people being present.

"You destroyed the cake, trash."

"VOOOOOOO –"

"Ushishi, that was the prince's." A fan of knives.

"–OOOOOOOOOO–"

"Mu."

"N..no! Boss!"

"–OOOOOOOOOOOI!"

Eventually, Squalo's voice drowned out everyone else's in its glorious...loudness. He opened his mouth to speak again, but Xanxus beat him to the punch.

"Shut it, trash," he growled, lobbing a strawberry from one of the poor splatted cakes into Squalo's open mouth. The swordsman choked for the second time in that day, impulsively swallowing the strawberry whole.

He gagged for a few moments before collapsing onto the ground, eyes rolling up into the back of his head.

Nobody said anything for a while, busy pondering over how on earth Squalo had managed to faint over a strawberry.

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Squalo awoke slowly, groggily, with a pounding head, in a bed.

Wait, in a bed?

He shot up suddenly, utterly ignoring the pain flashing behind his eyes, an insane grin lighting his face up. _Yes! It had all been a dream!_

The door opened, and Bel strolled in leisurely, arms clasped behind his head. "Shishishi, the prince was told to keep you company until everyone else was ready," he informed Squalo. "Lussuria screwed everything up with the cake, you see, so everyone's back to square one~!"

"VOOOOI!" Squalo was almost tempted to leap out of bed, but resisted due to the pounding head he had. "So it wasn't a god damn fucking dream or whatever."

The swordsman eyed Bel. "What the hell are they doing, anyway?" he asked. Bel shrugged, still grinning.

"They're coming now," he replied.

Surely enough, the door flew open once more and the rest of the Varia piled in. Levi, Squalo could see, was carrying some kind of...cake? It was huge, so it seemed that the logical choice _was_ Levi, anyway.

The umbrella-man continued, everyone letting him pass as if it was some kind of a procession. As soon as he reached Squalo, who was still sitting up in bed, he stopped, before letting the entire cake (one metre diameter and all) fall.

Shoulders hunched, hands clenched, and eyes tightly shut, Squalo slowly lifted his head, despite being covered in cake. He took a deep breath, sensing everyone covering their ears.

"!"

Panting slightly for breath at the end, Squalo finally opened his eyes, glaring at Mammon. "What the fuck was that bullshit for, Mammon?!" he snarled.

Mammon sighed. "Mu. This is what I get for using my illusions," he said heavily. "Everyone, I expect payment to my bank account within the next twenty four hours."

"Greedy baby," everyone mumbled in unison.

The oh-so-lovely cake that had been adorning Squalo dissolved, much to his relief, and he settled down grumpily again.

Half a minute later, he looked up again. "What the fuck are you still doing in my room?" he growled, annoyed.

"Squ-chan! Don't you even remember that it's your own birthday?" Lussuria cried, clasping his hands together. Squalo stared at him unblinkingly.

"Yeah. So?" he replied wearily. Lussuria straightened up, clapping his hands together.

"Alright, everyone! We're all going to sing happy birthday for Squalo!" he exclaimed. "One, two, three –!"

No one said anything.

Lussuria pouted, but didn't press the issue again. Squalo, on the other hand, was staring at each of the other Varia members dubiously.

"Weren't we highly against holding birthday parties again after Lussuria's eighteenth?" Squalo muttered. Bel leaned forwards, rolling unseen eyes.

"Idiot. Who said it was a party?" he replied, crossing his arms. "The prince was bored, so he looked at your calendar." As if to emphasise his point, Bel held up a rather familiar looking calendar, with the large, boldened words 'MY BIRTHDAY' scribbled across March the thirteenth. "Ushishishi! The idiot shark shouldn't keep his calendar in such an obvious hiding place – under his own bed."

"Especially with the Varia's secret documents," Levi rumbled unappreciatively, shaking his head.

The rather sombre mood was broken by Lussuria bringing out something from behind his back. It was a plate, with a tiny slice of cake on it. "Sorry, Squ-chan~!" Lussuria sang, smiling. "But this is the last piece of the cake, you see. Everyone else had some, and this is all that's left."

Squalo sighed a long-suffering, tired sigh.

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_Written and documented by Fran, on the topic of Superbi Squalo's 22__nd__ birthday._

**Fin.**

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**Author's Notes:** Oh dear. The ending turned out kind of funny, but if you work on a piece of work for too long things start to turn weird...

Read and review, please. Comments and feedback are appreciated! Happy birthday Squ-chan!


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